Friday, 22 January 2016

Farewell for a little while

Hi there friends,

I started 2016 feeling conflicted about my little space here on the interwebs. I actually started 2015 much the same way. I have talked about feeling this way on and off over this past year. And the decline in posts this year versus others is self-evident and speaks volumes about where my heart really lies.

I started this little blog a few years ago now. At a very different time. And in a very different head space. I started writing shortly after getting tested for the BRCA1 gene and deciding to start the process for a preventative double mastectomy.

I started writing mostly with the intention of being able to document that journey and the process for myself. Also to be able share information with family and friends. And with the very small hope that perhaps someone who needed it, may somehow stumble upon it and find it vaguely helpful.

The blog grew and my journey evolved. And along with being a place where I could document my medical misadventures, it also became a place where I could write and hold myself accountable when it came to health and fitness.

And it did.

Writing and falling in love with the running community pushed me. I honestly believe it is why I have now run 2 marathons and 10 half marathons and whole bunch of other races in between. I am not sure I would have done half of that without this blog. It helped me keep pushing at a time in my life when I was really struggling.

It was always a positive space for me.
I have met amazing people both online and IRL. And I have also had some pretty amazing experiences because of it.

But the more time I have spent on the internet. The more I have experienced the "not so nice" side of it. Stolen Photos, snarky comments about the way I look, or how much I weigh or don't depending on commenter, along with some unwanted and gross male attention (*there was a creepy foot fetish guy for awhile. Who required blocking*).

Those experiences were not the norm, but the more time I spent here, the more it happened. And with the idea of growing our family, the more they concerned me.

Last year I gave a lot of thought to walking away. But still felt that my good experiences outweighed the bad. Like in life, you can't let a few negative experiences colour your whole view. So I opted to continue. Some exciting opportunities came my way and I decided it was a sign that this little blog should continue.

So as the New Year rolled around again, I found myself at a cross-roads.

Part of me wanted to continue to write. I wanted to share my experience with fertility and motherhood. Hoping that I could again share something that may help someone else experiencing the same thing. I know I spent a lot of time on blogs, forums, and google after my miscarriage. (and still do) So I thought maybe I could provide something that would help someone too.

But the other side of me knows, that as supportive and awesome Social Media can be, it also brings with it a lot of unnecessary pressure.

It is easy to get sucked into the comparison game. What is everyone else doing? How is everyone doing it? And particularly around the issue of building a family, it can be disheartening to see how easily it happens for other people, when that it is not your experience.

There is pressure to be open and share (whether real or imagined), but with that openness come judgment. People weigh in on your life and your experiences despite only getting a summation in the form of a couple hundred words a week and a few pictures to go by. That is kind of the nature of the social media beast and I have always understood that. But with that, then comes the pressure to justify what you are doing and why you are doing it.

More and more that just doesn't interest me.

I place enough pressure on myself. And lately, it has become clear that the added pressure of social media isn't helpful or something I even want.

I will be first to admit this wasn't a decision I came to lightly. I have poured my heart out on this blog more than a few times. Some of the most difficult moments of my life have been documented on this space. But more and more it feels like these experiences - these very raw and real experiences - just become something to be consumed.

This time - it all feels a little too precious for that. And this part of my life is something that I would rather keep just for me.

I spent the past few months doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about what I want for the year ahead. You may have even noticed much of what has been written here has started to become repetitive.

I just didn't have anything new to share.
Or if I did, I didn't really want to share it.

I am not training for anything. I am just working out to maintain my overall health.
I am working, and as always it keeps me pretty busy - with travel and projects.
And the rest of my time is being spent with my husband, family, and friends.
It is all pretty ordinary and doesn't exactly make for a thrilling read.
But after the past few years, that is also just really nice.
A peaceful, ordinary, happy existence is all I am really looking for.

At this moment I find myself in that peaceful place.
And in a very different phase of life then when I started this blog so many years ago.

Today I know what I want, I feel really good about the path I am on, and the life that I have.
For me, that is enough.

So I think it is time for me to say farewell for a little while.

I am not walking away from social media completely (*in fact it is part of my day-job*). And I am not saying that I will never write here again. But for now, my energy is just better spent elsewhere.

I am sure I will still see you from time to time on the interwebs via Instagram and Facebook. And I hope to see many of you at races and events. But without the pressure and expectations attached to maintaining this space and a certain "online presence".

For now, there are just other things I would rather put my energy into.
Thank you for being such an amazing part of my life and my journey. It has honestly meant so much!
Wishing you all health, happiness, and light.
Until we meet again.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,