I can admit that I have been struggling with grief, guilt, and a whole lot of self-doubt over the past few weeks. And I have been trying to find a peaceful place to breathe, to relax, and to hope.
The truth is that I am a little a broken.
This a difficult and vulnerable place for me.
I have spent the last four years struggling. I have lost. I have compromised. And I have tried to accept and embrace the changes that have been forced into my life.
With each battle I chose to look for light. I chose to quiet that negative voice and embrace the positive instead.
But that does not mean that the negative voice does not exist.
And some days it can be extremely loud. Saturday that voice was loud. I cried. A lot.
Life has been hard, the last few years have been dark, the universe has been cruel to me - and I am getting tired.
The way I feel has only a little to do with just this loss, and more to do with the fact that it has come after so many others. I truly believed that this battle was not meant for me. I thought that I was done fighting. So it is hard to face that I was so wrong.
It has been hard to find a peaceful place this time.
My knee jerk reaction when I am struggling is to do more. I look for places to put my nervous energy. I look for steps I can take to help ease my fears. It is a place of action.
This time is different.
This time is I am seeking stillness.
This is a lesson in the true art of surrender.
This is uncomfortable for me.
This is scary for me.
This is hard for me.
Going forward I will be doing less - less running, less training, and no racing.
I will be doing more yoga.
I will be doing more meditation to help combat that nervous energy.
I will be practicing better self-care, because despite what my negative voice may make me feel, I am worthy of that.
And I am going to surrender all my hope and my fears to the universe, because I have faith in something greater.
Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,