Thursday, 19 November 2015

Some Reflection after spewing my guts on the Internet

Thanks for letting me spew my guts out to you all earlier this week. For me, my blog is a place where I try to be brutally honest (both with myself and with you), and that post was reflection of my open heart Wednesday.

Generally, I do feel okay about things most days. But because I was able to get pregnant so quickly the first time, I just expected it to be much the same the next time. Especially because I felt like I had been working hard to do all the "right things" - acupuncture, supplements, diet, working with my naturopath, the list goes on.

It wasn't until I saw that negative pregnancy test that all the stress I had been carrying around came tumbling out.

As many people rightfully commented, I need to let go of some of my guilt and try to relax.

I had acupuncture Wednesday which did help calm me down.

We talked about doing some things help decrease stress where I can. We joked that I tend to be all Yang energy - very direct, very type-A, very driven. But I need to focus on being more Yin - calm, passive, relaxed. This is not my natural state.

I am a planner, and while life has certainly made me more flexible than I used to be. I tend to prefer a more rational linear approach. Life is not always so linear, and I should know this, life certainly has not always gone according to plan. But it is still hard for me. Things are a work in progress, and as I mentioned I am still working towards finding my balance.

I had a conversation with my friend Michelle yesterday, and something she said really stuck with me. She reminded me that I have already done the hard stuff. I have had my surgeries and worked to rebuild my health. I have bought my house and started to create a home. I got that promotion at work I was striving for and created the career I wanted. I have planned. I have already put in the work. And now I just need to relax and embrace the life I have fought for.

Again, this isn't my natural state.

I am used to fighting. I am used to the struggle at this point. But this doesn't have to be one of those things. This is just one of those things that I cannot control. So I need to let life take care of the details.

I am going to try to surrender my fears. Embrace a life with no set plan. And work on letting go of the guilt and negative thoughts that do not serve me. Moving forward I am just going to work on taking care of myself, while remembering that this is enough and I am worthy of that.

So My Self Care Plan includes...

1. Yoga 1-2x a Week
I went to a hot yoga class on my lunch break Thursday and it felt amazing. I don't know why I always wait so long to go, but my mat is always a healing place to be and I think I need more of that right now.

2. Acupuncture
I am starting acupuncture for fertility this month. And while there is obviously no guarantee that it will change anything, I always feel good knowing that I am doing what I can to work towards something.

I have also had a lot success using it to de-stress. And to help with the inflammation I often experience on my left side. So if that is all it continues to do, I am okay with that.

3. No more endurance training
This is a conservative approach to things, but endurance training raises the cortisol levels in your blood. You are stressing your body in a good way, but your hormones don't know the difference. So in effort to lower the stress levels in my body I am going to be shortening my workouts.

I will be limiting my runs to no more than 45min at a time. And I will be limiting my time on the bike to an hour, rather than the 90min-2hrs I usually do on the weekend.

4. Nightly Meditation and Sleep Monitoring
I have long been a bad sleeper. I wake up on and off throughout the night and often struggle to fall back asleep. Lately, that has been improving. I think in large part to eliminating gluten and reducing my acid reflux. So this is something I want to continue to work on.

I am going to use My Muse before bed each night for 3-10 min of meditation. And I will be tracking my sleep via my Polar A360 to strive for 7 hours of "restful" sleep each night.

5. Enjoy the little things
I have been living in the future a lot lately, and I have not been embracing where I am right now. This is actually my favourite time of the year, so I need to focus on being present.

I have been decorating the house for the holidays. I am planning on experimenting in the kitchen and searching for the best Gluten-free Christmas Cookie recipe. I want to enjoy my birthday with my family and friends in a few weeks. I am looking forward to entertaining over the holidays. And just generally enjoying some downtime with my husband.

Sometime you just need to stop, reassess, and recognize that you need to make some changes.
And I know what I have been doing hasn't been what I needed to do to take care of me. But I will get there.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,