Wednesday, 18 November 2015
It wasn't honest about where I am now.
Over the past few days I have been struggling. I want very much to be pregnant again, but I am not. And the waiting and wondering is hard. Really hard.
We were supposed to have a baby in March. And as I watch other people announce their happy news, share photos of their bumps, and new babies I feel like a failure. And I find myself worrying that it will never happen for me.
After my miscarriage I envisioned all these alternative timelines. I will get pregnant again before my girlfriend's wedding. I will get pregnant again before my Mom's birthday, so I can surprise her and tell her. I will get pregnant again for my 31st birthday, so I can celebrate with my family at Christmas. I will get pregnant again before the end of 2015.
Several of my imaginary timelines have passed. And I don't know if I will accomplish any of the other ones.
I am struggling because while I wait and wonder, I feel so unlike myself.
So many of my feelings have been summed up in this article that I shared earlier today on Facebook. The tissues were necessary as I read it this morning.
As a runner who is typically always training for something and someone who's career is centered around sport, trying to conceive and my initial pregnancy was a difficult transition for me. Every day people ask, "what are you training for?" and "when's your next race?". And since May I have been lying. "Nothing planned right now", "Work is just too busy for me to focus on training seriously", "I am taking some time to focus more on my base training". I am a horrible liar and being dishonest about my intentions was hard.
As I started to gain weight with my pregnancy, I felt insecure about publically representing my role with a fitness company, without being able to explain why my body was changing. I just wanted to be able to share my news, so people would look at the way things had changed over the past 6 months and say, "yes, that makes so much sense."
And I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about conceiving, pregnancy, the baby, and motherhood everyday since we first decided to start trying. I keep telling myself that I need to just do my best to carry on and that I can't let this consume me, but it does.
I find myself googling a million different things about miscarriage and fertility every week. I almost burst into tears every time someone knowingly smiles at me and asks me why I am not having wine with dinner. Instead I have this lengthy inner-dialogue about how I want to be pregnant, so I just want to make sure that I do everything right, so there are no lingering questions about anything I did or didn't do, because part of me blames myself for my miscarriage in August. I was too relaxed. I had a sandwich with cold cuts one day without thinking. I raced before I knew I was pregnant. So I know I must have done something wrong.
This is where I am right now.
I am trying really hard to focus on being present and to hold on to hope. But a big part of me feels a little worn down.
There is no real purpose to this post, just really more of an honest account of where I am today. While hoping that spewing it out will be some how cathartic, and I can leave some of these negative feelings behind.
I know I need to patient. And I hope one day soon I will that happy news that I am longing for to share with you all.
Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,