Friday, 4 September 2015

The process of healing

I have taken some time off to reflect on the events of the past week..

I want to thank everyone who sent me messages of love and support. I have been overwhelmed. I know many women go through this alone and silently, so I definitely feel grateful for my community, family and friends.

I have been surrounded by family and friends and overwhelmed with the support of my online world. I received literally hundreds of messages within just a few hours of sharing my news. And I have been left completely humbled by the number of women (and men) who have willingly shared their own experiences, struggle, pain, loss, and hope.

Many people have commented that they have been grateful that I have shared this experience. But to be honest, if I had a choice, I probably would not have shared this publicly. I huge part of me feels foolish for sharing my initial pregnancy news so freely and for thinking 12 weeks was more than enough time.

This loss was unexpected and devastating. And while I have been grateful for the support I have received. Having to share this news after so blissfully sharing my baby joy was hard - really hard. It is part of my journey that I wish I could have kept private.

But here we are.

Many people have asked that I continue to give voice to this experience, but at this point my heart is too fragile. Having a baby is something that I have wanted for some time. I have just been waiting for the right time. Much of this year was in preparation for this next step - my last surgery, buying the house, getting a new car, decreasing my training load, gaining my promotion. All of this, was to prepare for baby. I felt ready. And when I learned I was pregnant I was bursting with excitement. I fell in love with our baby from day one and eagerly set out planning and rearranging my life for their arrival. I let myself embrace this joy fully - which has made losing it that much harder.

Typically my heart is open - the words you see written here are the same words I share with my family, friends, and in my inner-dialogue. But this loss feels too big and little too precious. The pain is a little too raw right now. So I do not feel prepared to share this experience in the same way I have shared so many others.

I won't say never, just simply not right now. My D&C is scheduled for Tuesday. So for now, this is all I want to say about our loss directly. I will talk about healing, moving forward, but not about the loss.

We want to try again. And I believe our Rainbow Baby is waiting for us. But there is also a lot of fear, anxiety, and pain involved in all of this as well. I have been feeling overwhelmed and have been struggling with my anxiety levels and my sleep. So I am trying to spend some time each day focusing on the little things that I can control to practice self-care, reduce my anxiety, and prepare both my body and my heart to move forward.

My healing plan:

- Focus on eating clean nutritious meals to fuel my body and help it heal. I will be logging my meals daily via MyFitnessPal.
- Continue to take my Vitamins so my body is ready when my heart is ready.
- Practice Yoga Daily for 30-days to help restore my body, mind, spirit. My 30 day challenge started on August 31st. I will be taking a couple of days off following my procedure, but am hoping to add in a few double days along the way.
- Meditate nightly with My Muse to help decrease my anxiety and improve my quality of sleep. My goal is meditate every night for the next 30 days and then go from there.
- Journal. Writing has always been cathartic for me, but I want to keep much of the details of this process to myself, so I am writing it all with my trusty pen and paper.

Bare with me right now, I am still feel fragile. But I am working on it.
Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,