Last week things were quiet around here. I had my D&C Tuesday, went back to work the following day, and tried my best to navigate all of the changes I was experiencing as I started to move forward.
There were a lot of feelings last week.
There were also a lot of unexpected physical changes that I wasn't 100% prepared for. The hormonal swing after the D&C was big. And while I worked from home on Wednesday, I did most of my paperwork through tears. I have lost 6 lbs since Tuesday. And while my body seems to be balancing itself back out, I have felt out of sorts and my body does not quite feel like my own yet.
I struggled last week.
There is part of me that wants very much to hit the pause button on life until my body and my heart is ready to try again. I feel stuck in a state of limbo. I know I have to wait. I know that I need time to heal. But I just want to skip ahead to the life I want - to the life I thought I had.
The waiting and the wondering is overwhelming. And I know it will swallow me up I let it.
I need to move forward.
I need to leave limbo.
So I found an extra bib for this past weekend's Zoo Run. Running, Racing, and Training are things I have put on the back burner for the past few months. So it felt cathartic to get back to my old routine, and tag along with my husband and my FIL - Bruce - who were both running.
I haven't done any proper training for the last 4 months. And even when I have managed to do some easy kilometers I have not managed to do very much. My runs for the past 3 months have consisted of a handful of very slow 5kms, one 10km, and one pitiful 14km run last weekend. Needless to say, I was not expecting much of anything when I lined up with all the other runners on a very rainy Saturday Morning.
I ran most of the race with my FIL. We agreed that we would strive for 6:00/km pace (9:40/mile pace). I felt good for the first 7km, but then the hills started to rev up. The Zoo Run is a notoriously hilly and challenging 10km route - and at the 7km mark I was definitely feeling that. I told Bruce to carry on without me, as he had be training and I had not.
I trucked along and tried not to focus on my pace. I wanted to just appreciate the fact that I was out there and running. That was enough.
I crossed the line smiling with an official time of 1:01:54. Racing is always both humbling and healing,
Performance-wise it was nothing spectacular. In in fact it is almost a full 10 min slower than my 10km PR of 53:33. But given the week I had had I was happy with that.
It felt good to leave limbo. It felt good to focus on something that was just for me. And felt good to move forward.
Love Your Favourite (and always hopeful) Darwinian Fail,