Thursday, 17 September 2015

Cutting My Hair and Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have had a fairly BANANAS week around here.

Last week's massive hormonal swing left me feeling like my hair was falling out at a rapid pace and forced me to book an emergency hair appointment. I opted to chop off my hair and seek out a fresh start - which is much of what this week has been about.

I am working all 7 days this week and I am on the road for 5 of them. These weeks always leave me feeling a little frantic. But coming off the events of last week, I could feel my anxiety kicking in around Sunday morning. The acid reflux started as soon as I finished breakfast and I knew I needed to prioritize some serious self-care if I was going to survive the week ahead.

Last week I had a pretty big Pity Party. It included: Milkshakes, Pizza, 2 large bags of Sour Patch Kids, and Lobster Mac & Cheese. It was delicious. Part of enduring last week involved eating my feelings. But Sunday was a pretty good indicator that this could not continue.

I admit I am still reeling, and part of me has absolutely no desire to take care of my body at the moment. But I have done this enough times to know that when my stress levels are high, that is actually when I need to take care of myself the most.

So I signed up with That Clean Life for their Post-Summer Detox Challenge. It is nothing drastic, which is probably what I liked about it. It basically just a challenge to Eat Clean for 7 days. They have a ton of great recipes, they give you breakdown of what to prep, and they provide grocery lists depending on the recipes you chose. It all felt pretty easy. And it helped give me some much needed inspiration in the kitchen (*I have been making a lot of same stuff lately and have been in a bit of the kitchen rut*).

The Challenge technically starts next week. But I opted to start my own Clean Eating Challenge this week as well. My goal is to sweat 6 of 7 days this week and to log my Eats daily on MyFitnessPal. I am just trying to focus on eating whole foods. Aka a Large Bag of Sour Patch Kids cannot be my dinner. (*baby steps*)

I treated myself to a trip to Whole Foods and stocked up on healthy stuff to take on the road with me this weekend. Following through on these little steps are actually helping me feel a lot better over all. And I am hoping keeping my body healthy will mean that it won't be too long until we will be ready to try again, but time will tell.

I could drive myself completely NUTS focusing on getting pregnant again. And I can feel myself slipping down that path. All the questions about - when we will be able to try again? How long will it take? What if things don't workout next time either? - are swirling loudly in my head.

I am a planner. And with my pregnancy I had already started planning the next year. I had given up racing. I had eased up on my training months in advance to prepare. I was organizing my work schedule, coordinating meetings, and travel to accommodate a Mat Leave. You name it, I was probably already doing it. I have a tendency to easily slip into my Type-A control focused mindset.

But this is something I cannot control.

And as much as I planned the first time around, I did not plan on a miscarriage. So here I sit realizing that I can hope for the best, but recognizing that I need to be patient and find joy in other things. The beautiful Sarah Kay Hoffman sent me a note with the quote "Everything Beautiful in its Own Time" - which rang so true for me in this moment. Life has a way of working out - not always in the way you hoped or planned - but in a beautiful and mysterious way that is often so much more than your ever expected.

So I am working on handing my plans over to Hope and Time with the belief that there is something else in store for us.

And I am seeking Joy in other things. Including booking a Vacation with my Husband to London and Paris in February. It is still a little ways away, but it is something we can look forward to. And I am already feeling excited about it.

Hoping for better days ahead.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,