Thursday, 25 June 2015

Father's Day

I clean when I am stressed. And I bake when I am happy.

Last week I was a bit of both, so my home got the best of both worlds - clean floors and fresh baked goods.

Sunday was Father's Day. And for me, this holiday is hard. We still celebrate Father's Day with Jamie's family, and I feel incredibly lucky to have such an amazing Father-In-Law in my life. But every time I buy just one card, pick out just one gift - it is a difficult reminder that my Dad isn't here.

Last year, the whole year felt like a bit of a whirlwind. It was my first everything without my Dad, and the grief was ever present. Last year I was home visiting my Nana who was in hospital battling cancer, and it was the day I said my final good-bye. With a year so full of loss, it felt like almost more than I could bare to say goodbye on that day of all days.

So this year as Father's Day approached, I struggled.

This year I am in a very different place then I was last year - a much better place. But in some ways that makes it harder. So many things have happened. So many great and exciting things. And I wish he was here so I could tell him all about it.

I want to show him my house. I want to hear him laugh, cheer, and maybe get a little teary eyed when my commercial comes on during the hockey game. I want to tell him all about the travel I am going to be doing for work. More than anything I wish I could just talk to him about life and say "I love you" one more time.

These feelings are always there. But I chose to put them away most days.

There are days when I just can't go there. I cannot think about the loss. It hurts to much.  And it can't consume every happy moment - I know he would not want that. So I focus on being present and being grateful for all the little blessings I have. There is a lot to be thankful for right now.

But this week I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay positive. I couldn't ignore the loss.

I missed my Dad.

The truth about grief is that it will always be a part of my life.

For each happy moment, there will always be that nagging feeling that he is missing. And there are always going to be days that are harder than others.

Sunday was a hard day.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,