the way I hoped and planned.
Since my Surgery in November I have been feeling nervous about getting back into racing.
I was hoping that signing up for this trail race would be a good way to shake out my nerves and rebuild some confidence.
I planned on running the enduro course. But as soon as I started, I knew things were not going to well. I had a high stress 15 hour day the day before. And while I knew I was exhausted, I thought that because I didn't have any serious expectations I could just push through.
Instead I peeled off course at kilometer 2 to find a place in the woods to be sick. I was sick again after another couple minutes of running. And pretty soon after I decided to call it a day. The course was a double loop, so rather than pushing through for the sake of it, I dropped down and finished the Sport course.
I admit I left feeling pretty dejected.
(I may have even shed a couple of tears - ridiculous as that sounds)
I know yesterday was the result of a tired body after a long week. But I would be lying if I said I didn't need a bit of a running boost.
Now generally I like to think I take my lumps, rebuild, and keep on trucking. But the last few years have been frustrating. And I have been struggling with a certain amount of performance anxiety over the past few weeks.
Each time I make progress, get my health and body back on track - there has been another surgery, another setback. And so I start again. The arduous task of regaining fitness, rebuilding muscle, and getting race ready.
It all requires a lot of hard work. And sometimes I wish my hard work actually translated into the kind of fast times and race results I dream about.
I felt all kinds of pressure (albeit in my own head) to make those results a reality during my Spring race season. To make this season count. To get that personal best. To actually get that result I feel in within me. So May has become this big Make-or-Break Moment in my mind
I wanted to run yesterday, and feel strong. I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to fiercely tackle the Mississauga Half next weekend.
Yesterday didn't give me the boost I was hoping for.
But I still believe that race result I long for is in within me.
I will push hard for it next Sunday. And if I am not there yet, then I know I will keep striving.
Each run, no matter the result, is a victory.
I know this.
I know running, let alone racing, is something I need to be grateful for each and every day I have the opportunity to do so.
But I wouldn't be opposed to a strong finish and a fast time one of these days too.
Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,