Monday, 6 October 2014

I am right where I need to be

On Sunday my husband innocently asked me if I was going for run, and I burst into tears.

Admittedly my reaction was slightly melodramatic. It is not that I don't want to run and train hard, it is just that it is not the right thing for me right now. I have been trying really hard to be zen and accepting of the changes to my training and body - but this is by no means what I would have chosen. I have been struggling to accept the changes I have made to my race schedule this year. And I have been struggling to accept that I am heading back to the O.R...AGAIN...in just a few weeks.

Despite the lofty health/wellness goals I set out for myself at the beginning of 2014, 3 of 5 have not come to fruition. And as the 2014 race season winds down, I find myself feeling frustrated and a little disappointed. Deep down I know that I made the right decision. I know choosing to slow down, step back, and say that this year is not the year is what was best for my body and for my mental health. But that doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard.

I feel like a have written this post a thousand times before, and it is the same old battle. With each medical setback, I struggle to make peace and feel positive about my body. I wish I was healthier, stronger, better, different. All negative. And all a waste of energy.

So instead of wallowing in my tears and lamenting my lost race season, I packed up my gear and went to my local yoga studio. I often seek the solace of my mat when I am looking for balance. It is a place to restore my spirit and to heal my broken heart (both physically and metaphorically).

As I lay in Savasana, I set my intention for the class - Self-Acceptance.

I moved mindfully and slowly through each pose. I was respectful of my body and focused on being present. As the class progressed I felt myself let go of the negative and detrimental self-talk that had been swirling in my head. 

Today I am embracing what my body needs in this moment.
Today I need to go a bit slower and move more mindfully.
Today I need to let go of expectations - both my own and others.
Today I need to accept that this is where I am, and that is right where I need to be.

All of this is hard. All of this is unnatural. But all of this is necessary.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,
Krysten