Sunday, 24 August 2014

Motivation Monster

I must confess I have been struggling with my motivation lately. I have been regularly skipping part of my weekly workouts and just generally feeling kind of "meh" about racing. I have been battling the Motivation Monster and questioning what I want most out of this year.

It is hard to explain, and it has been something I have been struggling to wrap my head around.

The last couple years have essentially been a Hot Mess.The pressure has been high, and my stress had been through the roof. So it probably seems odd that those were the years I chose to focus so heavily on training. But Running and Racing became ingrained as a coping skill.

Training was my port in the storm and I clung to it. When I couldn't control anything else I could control my training schedule. When the rest of the day (the week, the month, the year) was a write off - at least I ran. Those runs were how I dealt with my frustrations. Those runs were where I cried. Those runs where I triumphed over my demons. Those runs were I found my peace. And running was the only way I could keep it all together.

This year, there had been a shift.
This year, there has been a break.
This year, I have experienced some healing.
And this year, I can finally breathe again.

But instead embracing the fact that I have more time to train and less things to worry about, I just want to straight up have less things to worry about. And that includes training and race times. Training doesn't bring me peace the way it used to. Instead I find myself stressing about my pace, fussing about my mileage, and worrying about PRs and Race Times. And this year I am not up for the battle. I have lost some of the joy I found when I first started running. And I find myself needing to take a step back.

So today, at this moment, I just want to breathe and relax in every sense of the word. No stress. No pressure. No expectations. And while I am still going to continue to train and run my fall marathon - the results seem less important. Maybe I am growing up, but this time around I don't feel like I have anything to prove. This time, to be honest, I am tired. So this time, I will be running with no expectations. Whatever happens, happens. This time I will be running simply because I can, not because I feel I have to.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,