Sunday, 24 August 2014

Motivation Monster

I must confess I have been struggling with my motivation lately. I have been regularly skipping part of my weekly workouts and just generally feeling kind of "meh" about racing. I have been battling the Motivation Monster and questioning what I want most out of this year.

It is hard to explain, and it has been something I have been struggling to wrap my head around.

The last couple years have essentially been a Hot Mess.The pressure has been high, and my stress had been through the roof. So it probably seems odd that those were the years I chose to focus so heavily on training. But Running and Racing became ingrained as a coping skill.

Training was my port in the storm and I clung to it. When I couldn't control anything else I could control my training schedule. When the rest of the day (the week, the month, the year) was a write off - at least I ran. Those runs were how I dealt with my frustrations. Those runs were where I cried. Those runs where I triumphed over my demons. Those runs were I found my peace. And running was the only way I could keep it all together.

This year, there had been a shift.
This year, there has been a break.
This year, I have experienced some healing.
And this year, I can finally breathe again.

But instead embracing the fact that I have more time to train and less things to worry about, I just want to straight up have less things to worry about. And that includes training and race times. Training doesn't bring me peace the way it used to. Instead I find myself stressing about my pace, fussing about my mileage, and worrying about PRs and Race Times. And this year I am not up for the battle. I have lost some of the joy I found when I first started running. And I find myself needing to take a step back.

So today, at this moment, I just want to breathe and relax in every sense of the word. No stress. No pressure. No expectations. And while I am still going to continue to train and run my fall marathon - the results seem less important. Maybe I am growing up, but this time around I don't feel like I have anything to prove. This time, to be honest, I am tired. So this time, I will be running with no expectations. Whatever happens, happens. This time I will be running simply because I can, not because I feel I have to.

Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,
Krysten


19 comments:

  1. I like this :) ... you have nothing to prove to us my dear!

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  2. Best blog post I have read in a long time! You rock Krysten and I love how truthful and candid you are!! I feel exactly the same. AMEN to rest and no pressure :)

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  3. I totally get this - that feeling of just being tired and just not wanting to worry. I think that it's totally understandable and normal, especially considering how stressful the past few years have been. You absolutely have nothing to prove and you continue to inspire me every day. xox

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  4. Considering what you have been put through over the year, you are doing the most perfect thing. :) So proud and inspired by you.

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  5. You'll probably feel differently as the day approaches, but make your goal one thing: have fun! That's why we run. Be kind to yourself! You'll do great no matter what.

    ~Wendy at Taking the Long Way Home

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  6. Such a smart thing to first identify it, and second, do something about it. Proud of you!

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  7. I think this is great, and very brave of you to admit this when most people would keep on plowing through. It shows more courage to listen to your gut, listen to those voices in your head and back off than it does to stubbornly push through when in your heart you don't want it. Be proud, and find the love in it again first....which I am sure will come back quicker than you think without pressure :)

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  8. Yes! Sistah, I'm right there with you. I'm happy that I'm even able to run, let alone worrying about PR's / race times. Good for you for letting all that go! I'll be down at Scotia for sure, probably riding my bike along the course, so I'll watch for you!

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  9. I love this and your honesty. It's funny how motivation can be both good and bad. We need it, but sometimes we can let it just take over and you forget why you're working so hard. Sounds like you were burning yourself out mentally and physically. Hugs lady!!

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  10. You my dear are amazing.
    You bring a smile and tears to my eyes.
    #lifeisbeautiful #breathe #sendingyoualltheLIGHTandLOVE #JUSTRUN

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  11. This is so funny. You and I are basically at the same place right now. I still love training but not fixating as much. Enjoy your time. Let the pressure go and just be!

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    1. Exactly!!!! I want to train, but not the pressure!

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  12. look at that.
    youre me!!!!! :-)
    it's ok to be me sometimes :-)

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    1. TRUTH!! You have no idea how much your "what I can, when I can" attitude has inspired me! I want to train and be healthy, but balance is what I crave right now!

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  13. Not sure I've ever seen it said so well - sometimes training is a burden, especially when we put pressure on ourselves to perform. That is why I don't compete and don't focus on PRs. I lift for the joy of it, and that is all.
    xoxo

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  14. Balance is good. Balance is needed. If we don't have balance, we lose all sense of why we do the things we do. Everything becomes "because I HAVE to" instead of "because I LOVE to". Enjoy running free, enjoy the experience and in time, that hunger will build up again. XOXO!

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  15. I feel you... we place so much pressure on ourselves when it comes to time. Whether we admit it on the blog or not, we want to go faster. We want to set that PR. I know that you have been dealing with much, much more than just "training" and I'm always wishing the best for you. Something that helps when I get in a funk is to step back from the training... leave the watch at home... take your phone... run a mile, snap a pic... repeat. Look at the beautiful things around you and remember that running is about more than time. Works even better w/ friends.

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  16. I hear you... life is crazy, so why make things harder by stressing ourselves out over it!? We run to have, to have a stress outlet and sometimes we make it into everything but that.

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  17. I share your feelings. Workouts have been feeling like somewhat of a chore this summer. I'm terribly undertrained for my races. But for now, I'm proud to just "sign up and show up." Let the results fall where they may. My main goal in signing up for a race is just to give me the kick in the butt to stay fit and strong enough to enjoy life. Thanks for your openness.

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