I set this very lofty distance goal and I have spent a lot time doubting myself ever since.
I am who I am – Darwinian Fail, Robot Heart Wearing, Bionic Woman. I know my strengths, but I also know my laundry list of weaknesses. From a Cardiovascular Perspective progress is slow and I will only ever progress so much. Which means I have spent a lot of time researching other ways to make progress. I have been looking for that edge. I have been looking for the missing piece of puzzle to push myself.
Should I go Vegan? Should I be training more? Should I run longer? Should I spend more time running faster? Should I just log more hours in general? Should I lose weight? Am I spending enough time on the Bike? Should I start weight training? All of these things swirl in my head. And for some reason the scale started to become my focus.
I have read a lot of articles about ideal body weight, ideal fat percentage, power-to-weight ratios - and this became my fixation. This was the missing piece of my puzzle. I went from never counting calories and weighing myself once in a blue moon to stepping on every scale I saw. I would weigh myself 3-4 times a day. My weight didn’t really change, but for some reason I started looking to that number to validate what I was doing with my training.
I started logging my food and feeling guilty about everything I ate. Am I eating too many carbs? Am I taking in too much sugar? I also started adding mileage and extra workouts to my already full training load. I was skipping rest days. And then beating myself up for not seeing immediate changes.
I knew things were getting out of hand last week. I was tired. I was starting to feel worn down. And I was comparing myself to everyone on the internet. And after cutting my long run short on Sunday I felt myself spiral. And I realized I had gone too far.
I need to step back and focus on why I started. I train as a way to honour my body. And I race to love my body for what it can do, and not for what it looks like.
The comparison game is not constructive. And the number on the scale is not a measure of self-worth.
I plan to spend this weekend giving my body a break and giving myself some love.
I hope you are all doing the same.
Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,