Thursday, 24 October 2013

That Ever Loving Baby Question

So maybe it's because my husband and I have been married for 5 going on 6 years. Or maybe it's because in a few short months I will turn 29 and creep ever closer to life in my 30's. (* did you do the math there, yes I was just 23 when I got married). Or maybe it's because like literally everyone I know either just had a baby, is pregnant, or is in the process of trying to have a baby.

But I get asked that ever loving baby question a lot. Like at least once a week. So let's talk baby for a moment and clear some things up.

The maternal instinct is strong in this one. Trust me, if there was ever a role I was born for it was to be someone's Mommy. Just ask my little sister. I spent the better part of her life hugging, squeezing, and borderline loving the kid to death. I also went through a bit of a phase where I insisted she refer to me only as "Mommy B" and then spent several weeks trying to convince her that she liked me better than our real mother. So yeah... I think it safe to say babies will eventually be in my future.

It's not the babies that are in question, it is the pregnancy. My Instagram Feed is chalk full of all of these beautiful glowing mamas-to-be with their adorable bumps on display. But I am not sure that, that beautiful experience is destined to be mine. My many Darwinian Failings call into question my bodies ability to have a "normal" pregnancy and then carry a little one to term. The issue is muddled and slightly complicated.

At this point medically and from a treatment stand point  my cardio team feels comfortable about the idea of pregnancy. But, as always, there is a question mark over how my body will handle that type of stress and change. So it would be something that has to be monitored very closely. After telling my husband, the cardio-team has to be my next phone call (*Sorry Mom*). At which point I will start additional monitoring by a high-risk pregnancy team. 

Running, especially my love of endurance running, is a hard No. In fact running becomes a no, even  when we start thinking about babies. My heart rate naturally runs high, and arrhythmia's can be unpredictable, so there can be no running in my baby-making future. In fact my regular high-stress type-A personality needs to take a serious backseat. I need to find my zen, practice gentle yoga, and harness my peace.

Bed rest may be necessary. And a pre-planned C-section is also likely in the cards. If of course the rest of the 9 months go according to plan. And if of course this little defective body of mine decides to cooperates enough to get pregnant in the first place. All of these things are often easier said than done.

The truth is, pregnancy is likely to be like many other things in my life, slightly more complicated than it needs to be. But not unlike how it has been for many other women before me and will be for many women after me. A lot of women struggle with pregnancy and fertility, I just happen to know what I getting into before I get there.

So babies and pregnancy are a battle for another day. I want another year of running (I am gonna train for this in 2014). I want to have a romantic European vaca with my hubby. And more than anything I would just like to have one year where my body is just my own - no surgeries, no complications - just mine. I want a year of calm, after all that has happened.

Babies will come in time - either the old fashion way or potentially by less conventional means - but they will come. Just not today. Not this year. But soon-ish...

Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,