Monday, 25 June 2012

Motivation Monday - Going in for the Kill

It's Monday! So you know it's time for everyone's weekly dose of Motivation in everyone's favourite Musical form.

Proclaiming my bold and ambitious plan to run my first marathon this Fall has been exciting. I am pumped, and so ready to take on those 42.2 km! After spending the last year battling my body, I am anxious to tackle this challenge and put all my negative feelings towards my body and my genetic predisposition behind me. I am going to be training hard and holding nothing back. I want this!

I want to be able to say that despite all the odds, and despite all my genetic shortcomings, that..
I am a Marathon Runner
To me the marathon is a test of strength, stamina, and commitment. To be able to say I accomplished that is HUGE. So huge!

Unfortunately, along with all of the excitement and positivity oozing out of me at the moment, there is a nagging voice of self doubt. It's not a question of drive - I know how much I want this. But I do question my athletic ability. While I have learned a lot about self love and embracing my body "as is" over the last year, my relationship with it is still complicated. I have spent so much time battling my body and striving for health, that although I can finally see the light, I question how long it will last.

I have lost faith in my body and it's ability to work with me rather than against me. And my biggest fear is that my body is just not strong enough to stand up to the task. I am a Darwinian Fail after all. The what-ifs swirl and that pesky voice is always in my ear.

So this week is about silencing the inner critic and the self doubt, because this time maybe I'll be Bulletproof. (I am part bionic, so stranger things have happened?!)

(* You guys have know I am a pop princess, but add a British dance track to the mix and we have found perfection*)

Been there done that. Messed around. I'm having fun, don't put me down.
I have let this voice hold me back before. I questioned my body, my ability, and my strength. But now here I am, having worked so hard to get to this place, and I am finally healthy and happy. And you know what? I actually like having something to train for. I enjoy running. So I am not going to let that voice bring me down, I have come too far.

Do, do, do your dirty words come out to play when you are hurt? There are certain things that should be left unsaid.
Those feelings of self doubt, my lack of faith in my body, all of it - comes from a dark place. It comes from the past. It comes from my sad little 17 year old heart. It comes from that scared girl, who doesn't know how or if it will all turn out. But I am not that girl anymore. I am a woman who has taken control of her health, so I need to let go of those words and those thoughts. They have no place in my life anymore.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. On the watch. And life's too short for me to stop. Oh baby your time is running out.
Life is too short for what-ifs. And health is a cruel and fickle mistress - you never know when it might turn it's back on you. The time in between surgeries and my next ICD exchange is finite. But I am healthy now and I want this. I want that marathon glory. So I am going for it. I am jumping in with both feet. Now is my time.

I won't let you turn around. And tell me now I'm much too proud. All you do is fill me up with doubt.
Those words that swirl in my head are all part of a coping mechanism I have built up over the years. I know I am not untouchable. I am a living case study. I am all those statistics you hear everyday. I am always affected. So I am always prepared for the worst. I know all too well how quickly your health can change. And whatever you are striving for - a degree, marathon glory, your dream job - all of that gets put on hold. But today I am letting go of that thick skin and the negativity. It is okay to hope for the best and push for that. Because...

This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

And I am going for it. Let's do this!
Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,