I have mixed emotions about the upcoming week. My stomach is churning just thinking about everything.
There is part of me that is excited. I am excited to run my race. I have been training. I have been looking forward to this. A lot of my friends and family are coming to the race to support me - and I am excited to celebrate with them afterwards. I am excited to see how I do, what my time is, how it feels to take the plunge into distance running. I am excited for all of that.
There is part of me that is even excited about my surgery. Werid, I know. But I just ready to move forward with my life. I want to close this chapter. And once I close my eyes on Monday morning there is no going back, no more worry about the results, whatever will be will be, and I will just need to accept the results and move forward. So I am excited to move on.
There is another part of me that is terrified. I am nervous to actually run this race. I have a whole lot of pre-race jitters. I have been talking about this run for so long now, so it is sort of nerve racking that the day is almost here. I am scared my performance won't live up to my expectations. That the race will be harder then I anticipate. I am nervous I haven't trained enough. I am apprehensive that my ticker won't cooperate. The list is long, but I guess what I am really scared of is what this day really means. Race day means that Dday is also here. Once I run this race, it means that surgery is the next step.
And as I sit here waiting to take this plunge, I am scared.
I am scared of the results.
Scared of what I am getting into.
Scared of what I am losing and scared of what I will be getting.
Scared I won't be strong enough to love myself afterward.
Scared I will never be able to embrace my scars as beautiful.
Scared I will never feel sexy again.
Scared I won't be able to look at myself the same way again.
I am just scared.
This is all part of the process. This all part of the journey. And I need to remind myself that is gonna get worse before it gets better...But it will get better.
So Keep Sparkling Friends,
Love Your Favourite Darwinian Fail,