Monday, 20 February 2012

Motivation Monday - The Evil Stress Binge

So I was re-reading some of my recent blog posts, and I noticed a couple of trends over the last little while.
  1. That I have been stressed and struggling with the reality of my upcoming surgery.
  2. And I have been blabbing non-stop about my battle with proper nutrition. All those elusive questions surrounding ideal running weight and the marathon-mindset while training. Not to mention the overwhelming information overload regarding the links between cancer and nutrition.
So it should be no surprise that these 2 preoccupation met during the last week or so, and manifested in one big
 Stress Binge Slug Fest
BLAH!! I wish I could say that slowing down on my training made me feel refreshed. And relaxing on my nutrition made me feel better. But instead I feel guilty and gross. I don't know why I do this to myself, because I know I actually won't feel good afterwards. But I always get stuck in the cycle. I drink wine, I eat chips, I binge on sugar, and I snack way too much. It is one of my worst qualities, but when I feel overwhelmed I tend to "turtle". 

**"To Turtle" - means to turn inward, and shut down, aka crawl inside my dark little shell and shut out everything else**

 So for the last week-ish I have been turtling. I have been trying to shake off the funk, but it just didn't happen last week. Not great as my half marathon quickly approaches - hence where my guilt is stemming from. Sooo...this weekend was necessary to actually regroup. I baked, I spent time with family, and more importantly I ran!

13 miles complete! 2:05!
So as always, this week has a theme song. This week's song is...
Florence and the Machine's - Shake it Out.

Regrets collect like old friends. Here to relive your darkest moments
I don't want to regret the way I handled these last few weeks. I have worked my ass off to get here. I have been training. I have been running. And I don't want all the dark thoughts, and the unknown hold me back. No regrets. No negativity.

I like to keep my issues drawn
Turtling is not an healthy way to channel my energy. I know this. And I know I am prone to doing this. This is why I signed up for my half marathon. Training and my health is where I need to focus my energy.

Its always darkest before the dawn
It has been a dark couple weeks for me. I keep thinking why bother?! "You are gonna look like a mangled hot mess when this is all said and done. And all the effort you have put into improve your time and your fitness is going be wasted when you have to spend the next 2-3 months convalescing". But I am doing this for my health and it is almost over. I am so close. So very close. And I am gonna get through this.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
That is kind of how I feel about this whole process. Once you know you are BRCA+ your options are to be vigilant and screen regularly, but accept that during one of those screening it is very likely that you will be told you have cancer. Or choose to willing mutilate your body and essentially cut off your breasts. That is the reality. There is no clear cut great answer.You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

 And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
The road to recovery is gonna be long. It is going to hurt. I am going to suffer physically and mentally when the events of Dday come to pass. But I am ready to move forward. I am ready to close this chapter. And I am ready to hope for a bright, happy future and a long life.

So this week I am going to...
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Sing it with me folks! Just two weeks to go! 
Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,