Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Almost There - Beautiful

Who need Chanel?
Today was my last appointment before pre-op, and I officially got measured for my new set of ta-tas. I spent all morning rocking a sexy over-sized, thin, blue hospital gown - sexy I know. Flashing my boobs to more men then should be acceptable for a married woman. And explaining my complicated medical history to a bunch of over-eager plastic surgery interns, who were less educated on medical matters than I am. This appointment didn't exactly leave me feeling warm and fuzzy.

There is just over 3 weeks until Dday. Just 3 weeks until all of my musing become a very real and cold reality. In just 3 weeks my body will be different and there will be no going back. There will be fresh scars and a healthy dose of silicone added into the mix. It has been hard to accept all of that, especially as we get closer and closer to March 5th.

But beauty shines from the inside out, right? At least that's what they say. Audrey Hepburn says "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, and the place where love resides." So I am sure hoping she's right, especially about the whole "figure that she carries" part.

I believe beauty can be found in strength, in stamina, in kindness, in patience, in grace, and in love. Those are sentiments I believe whole-heartedly about everybody else, but struggle to believe about myself. I am trying. I swear I am trying. But am scared that it will be hard to ever love my body again after I make these changes. That I am going to wind up looking like Franken-titty and feeling like Quasimoto's younger sister. I am scared I am losing something I can never get back. And that I am going to have to live with the results - whatever they may be.

The only thing I know for sure about how it will all turn out, is that I will be healthy. And health is why I am doing this. So today I declared that this appointment is about saying "scars, cybrog heart, no boobs, fake boobs, whatever - this body is strong and so am I!". And that is beautiful. I will silence that inner critic yet. Because...
"I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down"

Christina Aguiler's Beautiful is this week's theme song because this is the place I want to be. Singing loudly, and proudly about the beauty I see and feel about my health and about my happiness. Taking pride in my scars because they mean I am strong. Embracing these changes because they mean I am a fighter. Looking at the girl I see in the mirror and seeing a survivor. That is the girl I want to be, and it is still a work progress - but I am going to get there.

Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail