Thursday, 19 January 2012

Stay Truthful Thursdays - Its So Hard

Confession: This Stay Truthful Thursday is less about training (which I have been killing this week by the way). And is more about my state of mind. But I am still using this time to be truthful, so I think it still counts...

It has been a tough week for me. The reality of what's to come and when it will all come to pass is hitting home. Life is getting real. And it is all coming fast and furious now. I have been doing my best to channel all my unwanted nervous energy into training and literally running away from those unwanted feelings. I have been trying to stay focused on my race, rather than my surgery. But inevitably I am starting to struggle to feel jazzy about the logistics of March 5th.

So this week while out on long run I had a hard time keeping it together when my ipod randomly shuffled on to "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks. Don't judge me! You can take the girl outta the country, but you can't take the country outta the girl. And I confess I finished my last 5 km with tear stained cheeks. Here's what got me...

(*Note: you should probably play the video while you read the following for the desired effect. Unless of course you are super famillar with all things Dixie Chicks and don't require a point of reference - in which case rock on!*)


Why is fighting all that we're good at anymore?
Fighting this fight has defined this year. Fighting to stay positive. Fighting to be and stay healthy. It has consumed my world. It has become my focus. It has taken all my energy. It feels like fighting is all I do. I am longing for the day that I can look back and say that I am finally made it out to the other side.

Sometimes I don't have the engery to prove everybody wrong.
I have been fighting so hard to not be a number. To not be a statistic. To say that I am not defined by this. To do things, *ahem* like run a Half Marathon the day before surgery as a way of shouting to the world that I can and I will be healthy despite all the obstacles...just as an example. To say that I am not defined by my genetics. But it is exhausting. And it is starting to wear me down.

And I try my best to be strong, but it's so hard
Rationally I know this is the right choice. To be healthy and happy this step (albeit drastic) is required to guarantee that. I know all of this. I shout it to the world on this blog and to any passerby who is willing to listen. I want so much to be strong. I want to be an example, both for my family and for other women faced with similar challenges. I want to embrace this journey and relish it. But DAMN! When I sit back and think, really think, about what I am about to willing do to my body...it's hard.

Its so hard when it doesn't come easy
"Life is hard". "Life isn't fair". And "nothing worth anything comes easy", so the old adjage goes. But other things sure seem to come easier than this...

It so hard when it doesn't come fast
This process has been about as slow as it comes. It has consumed more than a year of my life. By the time  Dday rolls around I will have spent the last 14 months wrapped up in worry, doctor's appointments, decision making, fretting, and tears. And it has all made it difficult to be in the moment and embrace the progress I have made. I am ready to be done with all of this.

And could we be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it
So this is the lyric that sent the tears brimming over the edge.

This isn't exactly how I saw life going. This isn't ideal. I saw myself in grad school, preparing to buy a home, discovering my dream job, enjoying being a (*relatively*) newly wed. I did not picture myself having to choose between mutilating my body and getting cancer. Not to mention being plagued by all the questions surrounding fertility, genetics, children, and how all of my Darwinian failings will effect my idea of one day starting a family.

It wasn't how I saw this going, so I am pretty sure it is safe to assume that it's probably not what my husband signed on for either. Not that my hopelessly supportive husband would ever dream of saying something like that. But the facts are these: as much as this is happening to my body, this is all happening to our life. And for that reason I am wrought with guilt.

Last night you told me you can't remember how to feel free
This journey has taken hold of my life, and I feel its presence in everything I do. I am longing, dreaming, hoping, wishing for this to all be over. To be free again.

Show me a vision of You and Me swimming peacefully
I am all too aware of the effect that this process has had on me, my family, and my life this year. But I know this process is finite, and that all the support I have been given during this journey will carry me through. This will soon come to an end. We will get there. I will get there. And my life will be better for it.

Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,
Krysten

12 comments:

  1. I just want to give you a huge hug. I admire you so much and I wish I had better words for you. Know that your words resonate with me. Just like you said, you WILL get there, and Life WILL be better for it.

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  2. you are so so brave. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You are right, life is so not fair. But as I said in my post today, you have to try and learn something from every situation, that way it makes you stronger and SOMETHING positive has come out of it. Stay strong girl!

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  3. Thank you for sharing! I can only imagine what you must be going through. No, life isn't fair, but it's how you deal with it that proves your character. I'll just say that I'm so proud of how you've chosen to handle this by running a half marathon. You are strong and I'm sure are going to handle whatever comes your way with style and grace. Be proud. You're an inspiration!

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  4. I'm so proud of you - and I don't even know you! You are an incredibly strong woman and so brave for sharing these thoughts. You're officially my inspiration - running a half while dealing with all this "stuff" is amazing. Keep moving forward with your head high. PS the Dixie Chicks are awesome :)

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  5. Krysten, you are my inspiration. Thank you for being that for me and I hope I am half the woman you are. You are amazingly strong.

    "To me fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.”
    You are fearless. Remember that.

    You will get through it. You will kick that marathon's butt and you will be amazing. I am so proud of you, know that we are all behind you 100%! Love you Krysten!

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  6. Oh Krysten, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. When your husband looks at you now, I know he sees all the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place have only multiplied. What stands out to your family and friends are your resilience, bravery, strength and heart. And those are the most important qualities that you will pass down to children, if and when, you decide to have them. Though the decisions that you have made and what you are going through are not easy, they will be worth it. Your husband, family, and friends are proud of you and we are thankful that those difficult decisions you have made mean we get to continue making happy memories with you for a very long time. We love you and hope you know we are all here for you, but mostly we are grateful for your presence in our lives.

    'Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for.' I don't have any excuse, but I too, like the Dixie Chicks.

    Meg

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  7. Hey Krysten - I saw your post on the FF FB page. And I'm slowly getting caught up on your story. I just wanted to say that you are an incredibly strong woman from what I've already read - and such an awesome example for so many. You are going through a stage in life right now that is testing you and you must remain strong! You have the right attitude and I truly believe that one day very soon, life will be "normal" again. It's okay to be scared, to be unsure and to question everything. But it's even better to believe in yourself and the process. Keep that head up!

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  8. You are truly amazing, Krysten. You have no idea how strong you are - and what an inspiration you are to me!! I am so thankful to have gotten to know you these last few months...and I look forward to seeing you kick the half-marathon's butt and have a successful surgery in March!! Then it's onto training for your first full =) xoxo

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  9. Wow, Krysten. I am crying for you - what a beautifully written, honest post.

    You are so brave and strong - and an incredible inspiration, to not only willingly put yourself through this surgery, but to train your butt off to run a half-marathon THE DAY BEFORE?! That my dear is beyond words AMAZING.

    You are going to have your surgery, and come out as a healthy, happy, person. Your health is so important - and while it's hard now, you know it will be worth it in the end.

    HUGE HUGS Girl, you're a rockstar. XOXOXOXO

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  10. stay strong girl! you're SUCH an inspiration.

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  11. You guys have brought me to tears this morning. Your outpouring of encouragement and sweet words mean so much! With you guys behind me, I know I can do this! THANK YOU!

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  12. stay stong, krysten! i saw your link on FF FB and was so touched to erad this - you are an incredibly strong woman - and have nothing to feel guilty about! life deals us shitty cards sometimes and the way you're taking it in stride, sharing your story and struggles is so powerful. you'll beat this and come back stronger than ever.

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