Sunday, 13 November 2011

I will try to Fix You

So as always I am spinning my little heart out in Spin Class this week and an unexpected but inspiring tune comes on (*one of the main reasons I love spin class*) - pushing me to go that much harder and get that much stronger. This week that tune is this remixed version of Coldplay's Fix You.

Generally I listen to a lot of sugary sweet girlie pop music when I run or workout. I am of the Spice Girls Generation, so I love me some girl-power pop anthems. For a very happily married women I listen to a lot of songs about scorned lovers and trolling the clubs for boys - neither of which pertains to me, but I love the whole "empowered sexy woman thing"'t Judge Me! Needless to say this song caught me off guard, and I found myself near tears as I peddled with all my might during the last 10 minutes of my 1 hour endurance spin class. Here's what got me...

"Stuck in Reverse"
That is how I have felt these past few months. Taking a few steps forward, but always a few more back. It feels like I can't ahead. Just waiting, waiting, waiting to move forward again.
"When you try you best but you can't succeed"
I think this sums up the root of my frustration with this process. I have had to put many of my goals on the back burner this year, despite trying, trying, and trying some more. This is not an easy thing to accept as a type-A over-planner. Despite my best attempts at training - I sprained my ankle. So race season has come and gone without being able achieve that coveted half marathon glory. Not to mention my big plans education-wise, and this is probably where most of my frustration comes from. I have been busting my butt the last 2.5 years, working full time and taking classes at night to complete my second degree. I had high hopes I would be applying for grad school right now, but with all that has been going on...well...that plan had to be pushed back too.
"When you get what you want but not what you need."
 That really sums up this whole adventure, doesn't it?! I asked to know my risk. I went and got the genetic test knowing full well what that might mean for me. So I got what I wanted. But what I needed was for this not to be my fight. What I needed was to be told that this time I wasn't on the wrong side of the genetic coin.What I needed was for this to be easier.
"When you lose something you can't replace" that would be my boobies...enough said...not going too deep on that one.
"I will try to fix you"
We all know I am damaged goods right now. I am one little stressed out body conscious monster. And we all know I can use all the fixing I get these days. But I am the only one who can fix me. And this year is about dedicating all my strength and energy to get myself to a place where I can be healthy, happy, thriving, and fixed!
"But if you never try - then you'll never know just what you're worth"
If you've never had to fight for it. If you have never had to fight for yourself. If you never had to fight to keep the things you easily take for granted, than you will never know how much it is all worth. How much you are worth. And how much you truly love your crazy life and all the things that make it yours. I know I love mine, and I intend to fight to get back to it as soon as possible.
"Could it be worse?" absolutely could! And sometimes I need to take a step back and remember that.

Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,