Friday, 21 October 2011

Feeling Low in Limbo

Lately many friends have been reporting so many amazing life changing events and milestones. There are babies and pregnancies galore (they have been announced in epidemic-worthy proportions lately). Along with all of the regular weddings, engagements, and first time home owners; it has felt like celebration central. Obviously I am exceedingly happy for everyone. But there is a little part of me that feels jealous, and a little sad stuck here in what I like to call my "limbo phase".

All of the tough stuff is done. I have made my decision to move forward with my preventative mastectomy. I have spent the last 6 months thinking through this decision, and prepping for the impact it will have on my health, my body, and my countless body image issues - and I think I have finally come to terms with things. It may sound strange, but part of me feels empowered by my choice. Its not going to be fun, and parts of it are going get ugly; but I feel good about my decision. I have put my psychology degree on hold. I have let work know that I will be taking a brief hiatus in the near future. I have taken my boobs and my husband on one last fabulous vacation. And now...I wait...

I feel ready to move forward, so it is the waiting that is killing me. Booking the actual surgery is the next step, and its a step I am very ready to take. Unfortunately until it happens it feels like all other life plans, events, and milestones are on hold. I have been harassing the poor receptionist at Dr. Hofer's office for the last month, trying to force her into pinning down a date. But so far the closest I have come to anything remotely close to resembling a surgery date is "sometime is either December or January". As a compulsive planner it physically pains me to be without a firm timeline. For me the timeline is not about the surgery itself or even my recovery period - its about the rest of my life. The life I feel has been put on hold to sort all of this stuff out.

I want to get back to my "real" life. The life I love. I want to get back to striving towards my own milestones and celebrating my own triumphs. But right now there feels like there is a little black cloud hovering above my head, and I just want to come out the other side. I am ready, so very ready. But for now I have to focus on the areas of my life that I can control. take solace in achieving my small everyday goals, like; reaching my weekly exercise quota and sticking with my diet (the little things will have to do). And strive each day to be better than I was yesterday...and I will wait...

Love your Favourite Darwinian Fail,